my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
