I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
there was a trapeze. enough said
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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