between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
