I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she smelled like a LAN party
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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