you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
