If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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