At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
