I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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