Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
