I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
