Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
