when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
