this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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