I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
be right there i have to get my cape
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
