Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
