Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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