His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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