if i can run in heels then i can drive
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
