did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
