I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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