please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
