You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
