3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
