On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
