we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Of course I have a pirate flag
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
