so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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