If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
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You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
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You need Xanax blowdarts
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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