Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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