Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
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I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
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There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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