i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
