YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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