4 words: hood of his car
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize
