I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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