the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
he just fucked me for my cheese..
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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