My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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