Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
