Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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