I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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