Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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