STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
You can't special order awesome
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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