You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
