Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
