so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
