i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
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he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
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Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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