My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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