Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Randomize
