OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
