just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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