I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
