Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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