My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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