I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
